Guilty! The Weight We Were Never Meant to Carry 🎒

🤔 Why We Feel Guilty Even When We’re Doing the Right Thing

If you’ve ever felt guilty for prioritising your own energy—resting, saying no, or simply choosing yourself—this post is for you.

Guilt can feel like a moral compass. But more often, it’s a learned response—a survival mechanism passed down through family systems, workplaces, and social expectations. We internalise guilt early. And then we mistake it for love, responsibility, or care.

But guilt isn’t always the truth. In fact, it’s often a signal that we’ve lost connection with ourselves.

🛋️ The Psychology of Guilt

Let’s start by breaking down guilt into two forms:

• Healthy guilt helps us repair when we’ve genuinely hurt someone or crossed a value we care about.

• Toxic guilt is chronic, vague, and rooted in people-pleasing or fear of rejection.

Toxic guilt often begins in childhood: being punished for expressing needs, being labelled “too much,” or learning that love had conditions. The brain—particularly the amygdala and hippocampus—stores these emotional scripts as survival blueprints. As adults, we act on them without realising.

💸 The Cost of Carrying Guilt That Isn’t Yours

Here’s what chronic guilt often leads to:

• Burnout

• Resentment

• Emotional disconnection

• Strained relationships

Image inspired by the 9 of Swords card in Tarot. I have pulled this card in almost every reading I’ve done for a friend or family member lately.

It also puts your nervous system in a constant state of arousal. Your brain believes you’re doing something wrong, even when you’re simply taking care of yourself. That state of vigilance becomes your baseline.

Many people live with their minds stuck in the past or future:

• Replaying conversations.

• Planning tomorrow’s tasks.

• Running internal scripts while doing basic chores.

But there is deep medicine in presence. And mindfulness doesn’t need to be complicated. It can look like this:

You’re chopping carrots for dinner. That’s all you’re doing. Not planning your meeting. Not thinking about your to-do list. Just carrot. Just slice. Just breathe. And when your mind wanders, gently bring it back.

That is also a type of meditation. That is nervous system repair. That is how to reclaim sovereignty in multiple small moments all throughout each day.

🫥 The Invisible Scripts We Internalise

Here are some common beliefs that keep us trapped:

• “If I rest, I’m lazy.”

• “If I say no, I’m selfish.”

• “If I don’t help, I’ll disappoint someone.”

These are often rooted in a lifetime of over-giving—especially for people in caring professions. It’s a pattern of constantly showing up for others, even when we’re running on empty. It can come from a deep, often unspoken belief that we have to earn our worth by always being helpful, selfless, or strong.

(If you are into archetypes and psychology, you might know this as the wounded healer pattern or if you align more with spirituality - the witch wound.)

While many people say they love themselves, the practical demonstration of that love is often missing. Self-love isn’t a feeling—it’s a behaviour. It looks like:

• Getting enough sleep.

• Saying no without guilt.

• Resting before you’re burnt out.

• Choosing presence over productivity.

If you’re someone who feels deeply, gives endlessly, or carries a quiet knowing that you’re here to help others—this part is for you.

Many people who step into healing, caregiving, or soul-guided roles often carry what’s known as the wounded healer archetype. This is the paradox: those who help the most are often the ones who have suffered the most. Not because pain makes you worthy—but because it creates the conditions for understanding, compassion, and depth.

🛠️ A Few Tools for the Dark Days:

Release the guilt.
You’re not regressing for feeling low. You’re not behind.
This message came to me clearly while journaling one morning:

“Love must not be given with guilt attached to it… It is important to rest, in order to find your true nature while at peace.”

When we are truly rested and at peace, then we can give back to others. That includes love toward yourself. Don’t try to “earn” rest or tenderness. Claim it.

Conserve your energy.
Take a sick day. Go home early. Cancel plans.
You don’t owe the world your energy when you’re bleeding inside.
Getting to bed or curling up on the couch is a win.

Turn toward your inner child.
Often, the part of you that’s hurting isn’t the adult—it’s the child within.
Offer them comfort:

• Eat something you weren’t allowed as a kid.

• Watch a movie you loved growing up.

• Play a game, draw something silly, or just lie under a blanket and daydream.

Let yourself cry.
There’s no shame in it. In fact, crying is built into your nervous system for a reason.

🧬 The Science of Crying: Emotional crying releases oxytocin and endogenous opioids (natural painkillers), which can calm the nervous system and elevate mood.

Crying helps to:

• Regulate stress hormones

• Flush emotional tension

• Restore equilibrium after overwhelm

You don’t need to “justify” tears.
Tears are proof that your system is trying to heal itself.

Remember: You are not the darkness you’re walking through. You are the one carrying the light through it.

Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is rest.

However, if you have the energy, you can also try spending some time in nature to reset your nervous system.

😰 When Helping Others Becomes Self-Abandonment

Imagine this: You're invited to a group event after a long week. You know your body is craving a quiet night to decompress, but you worry you'll disappoint someone by not showing up. You override your needs and say yes anyway.

Not because it’s aligned. But because guilt said so.

This is what happens when service becomes self-abandonment. And it’s one of the quickest ways to drain your joy and delay your healing.

Instead, we need a new compass:

“Am I doing this from guilt or from clarity? From fear or from love?”

⚖️ Note on Balance:
This isn’t about turning down every invitation or avoiding community altogether. It’s not a call to become a hermit—it’s a call to check in. True self-care includes connection, but also requires discernment. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for others is to return to them rested, resourced, and fully present.

It’s about balance, not isolation.

😮‍💨 When Even Your Best Doesn’t Feel Like Enough

Some of us never feel like we’ve done enough—even when we’ve given everything.

You show up. You help. You say yes when you’re tired. You carry the emotional weight of the people around you.

And still… something inside whispers:

“You could have done more. You should have done it better.”

That voice isn’t truth.
It’s guilt wearing the mask of service—a subtle form of self-punishment disguised as love.

But love given with guilt attached?
That’s not true love. That’s a survival pattern.

🏃‍♂️ The Busyness Trap: When Doing Becomes Distraction

Another way guilt hides is through constant doing.

Always busy. Always helpful. Always moving.

Because if you stop—what happens?

You might have to feel. You might hear the quiet voice of your body saying:

“I’m tired. I’m hurting. I need to be held.”

For many people, being still feels unsafe. Especially those who grew up in chaos, criticism, or unpredictability. It can come later in life too, usually after a traumatic event or in grief. Movement became the strategy. Achievement became the armour.

But healing asks us to receive.
To slow down. To sit in the silence and ask:

• “What does my body need right now?”

• “What would rest feel like if I believed I deserved it?”

🔥 Start Demanding More

If you constantly feel like you’re not doing enough—pause and ask:

“Who benefits from me believing that?”

Because sometimes the guilt isn’t yours.

It’s inherited. Gendered. Systemic.

In many homes, it’s the woman or mother who becomes the default caretaker, emotional regulator, house manager, the breadwinner—all at once. Yet she still feels like she’s failing.

Even when she’s parenting the kids.
Parenting the partner.
Remembering everyone’s appointments.
Keeping the house running.
Earning money.
Being expected to smile through it all.

And what does she get in return?

Maybe a “thank you” once a year on Mother’s Day.
Maybe a sleep-in on her birthday—if someone remembers.

This is not okay.

And here’s the part no one tells you:

You are allowed to demand more.

More respect.
More rest.
More presence.
More effort from the people around you.

If everyone is taking, and no one is giving back—
That isn’t love. That’s extraction.

This dynamic doesn’t only affect women or mothers. All people carry inherited expectations—like always being the provider, staying strong no matter what, or never needing help. These stories can be just as suffocating. Wherever guilt shows up in your life, know this: it’s not weakness to want more. It’s a sign that your soul is asking for something different.

🎁 Receiving Is Also a Choice

If this is resonating, you might also ask:

• “Why have I accepted so little for so long?”

• “When did I learn to survive on crumbs?”

• “Which stories have been told about me, to me, that I’ve just accepted?”

Because here’s the thing: You can’t always control how others show up—but you can decide what you no longer accept.

And you can say:

“I will no longer be the only one holding it all together.”
“If I am expected to give, I am allowed to receive.”
“This is not selfish. This is sacred balance.”

🌀 The Reframe: You Are Already Doing Enough

This isn’t about doing more.
This is about letting what you’ve already done be enough.

You are not here to earn love through exhaustion.
You are not here to perform worthiness through productivity.

You are allowed to rest even if there’s still more to do.
You are allowed to be loved without having to earn it today.

Releasing Guilt: A Practical Reframe

Use this 3-step process:

1. Pause – Notice the moment guilt arises.

2. Reflect – Whose voice is this? Is it my truth or a script?

3. Reclaim – Make a conscious choice. Rest if needed. Act if it’s aligned.

Remind yourself: Guilt isn’t always proof of wrongdoing.
Sometimes it’s just a flag from your nervous system saying:

“Are you sure it’s safe to choose yourself?”

Yes. It is.

💬 Insights From Stillness: What Emerged in Meditation

Some of the clearest messages I’ve ever received around guilt came to me during quiet journaling or meditation.
Here are three that stayed with me:

“Love must not be given with guilt attached to it.”
“Love must be given to ourselves to truly help others”
“Continue to seek guidance from your inner voice, you have all the answers you need inside you to realise your big adventure. Follow your own compass”

Whether you believe in spirit guides, inner wisdom, or just tuning into your deeper self—these words arrived in a way that felt undeniably true. Just consider them as gentle reminders from the deeper, wiser part of yourself.

Are you listening for any messages you might be receiving?

💘 Final Takeaways: Guilt Is Not Proof of Love

• Guilt can signal care, but it can also signal conditioning. Remember, you are not your thoughts, you can always say to them: “I do not claim this”

• True service flows from presence, not obligation.

• You are allowed to protect your energy.

• Releasing guilt is not selfish—it’s sacred.

Let this be your permission to:

• Say no without shame.

• Rest without explanation.

• Reclaim your life from emotional contracts you never agreed to.

“I do not need permission”

✍️ Journaling Prompt

What is one thing I felt guilty about recently?

• Why did I feel that way?

• Was it based on my truth—or someone else’s expectation?

Let that be your starting point. You don’t have to carry what was never yours.

We’re all unlearning guilt together. One boundary, one rest day, one carrot slice at a time.